My friend Libby sent me this meme on Instagram and said “you should post a recipe link to your favorite pasta dish recently and some thoughts on showing up as a wife/mother during a season that tends to be very draining for wives/mothers.” Yes. Let’s do that. Let’s eat some pasta and get our minds and hearts right as we head into the hap-happiest season of all.
But first, let’s eat.
This is my go-to bolognese. Double the recipe and freeze half in Souper Cubes. If I could buy every single person reading this a set of Souper Cubes, I would but this is a free newsletter and I’m not Oprah, so a link is the best I can do.
Try any of these festive pasta dishes from
ofWant something quick, simple and cheesy? Try this four ingredient Cacio e Pepe. If you have some bacon or leftover grilled chicken laying around, either (or both!) would be delicious thrown in before serving.
Clear eyes, full bellies, can’t lose
I know Thanksgiving was literally four days ago but if you’re like me, just the thought of the holidays has been making you hyperventilate for weeks. This time of year can be so weird and full and disorienting. And also it can be magical and sparkly, spilling over with joy and sweetness.
If I could hand deliver you the recipe for a season that is nothing but merry and bright, I absolutely would. Instead, I’m here to offer you a whole lot of big sister energy and a short list of questions, ideas and practices that I’m using with my clients to help you breathe a little easier as we enter a season as maddening as it is magical.
This holiday season is not the same as last year’s. Our lives expand and contract as we welcome babies, grieve losses, and navigate transitions of all sorts. Maybe you have more capacity than you did last year. Maybe you have less. Understanding your capacity is essential to living well. I hope these questions and practices help you find joy and peace in this season.
What does your dream holiday look/smell/taste/feel/sound like?
Twinkle lights and hot cider and Christmas movies by the fire? Daiquiris by the pool of a tropical resort? A house full of friends and relatives? A hike in the woods? The holidays are a feast for the senses. What are yours hungry for?
In order to make clear decisions about what you need to do, start with how you want to feel.
Practice: Close your eyes and imagine this season at its best for you. It could look a lot like the traditions you grew up with or it could look totally different. Give yourself the permission to daydream.
What matters most to you about the holidays?
Before you RSVP yes to every party, buy tickets to every festive event, commit to buying gifts for your third cousins once removed or decorate with a Griswold inspired dedication, ask yourself what matters to you this year. Not forever. Not for the next ten years. What matters this year?
For example, elaborate decorations stress me out. They don’t matter to me, at least right now. I don’t like decorating and un-decorating while one kid asks me 300 times if I’ll play Uno with her and the other one is running around in nothing but a dirty diaper. Nothing about that is fun or magical to me. In fact, just thinking about that makes my palms sweaty. What matters to me is that my home feels cozy and festive, something I can achieve easily with way fewer decorations than the internet would like to convince me I need. It also feels like something I can do over time, restyling our living room bookshelves over the course of a few days, taking one evening to put up the tree and another to decorate, stringing some lights here and there when I get a chance. Also, cozy and festive doesn’t expire on December 26th and make me feel like everything must go right this second.
Practice: Set a timer for 5 minutes and make a list of everything that you think matters this season. The stuff that really matters to you and the stuff that other people and the internet tell you should matter. Don’t edit yourself, just go.
Why does this matter? And who does it matter to?
What if it doesn’t matter to you but it does matter to someone who matters to you?
Of course we can’t only do what matters to us. There are Christmas traditions we love and honor because they matter to people who matter to us. You probably have those things. You don’t have to do these things. You are choosing to integrate them into your holiday season. Can you feel the difference in that?
Practice: Remember that list you made? Go line by line and for each item ask yourself “Why does this matter? Who does this matter to?” Maybe use two different colored highlighters, one to highlight what matters to you and one you’re choosing to prioritize because the people matter to you.
What can I let go?
By now you know what matters to you and why and you know what doesn’t matter. Maybe you feel relieved. Maybe you’re panicking. Maybe both?
What can you delegate? Jeff wraps all of our Christmas gifts. When we decorate cookies I buy a kit from our favorite local bakery and we decorate those.
There is no award for making all the holiday magic yourself.
You probably have things on your list that matter to exactly no one; things you do because you feel like you “should” or because you saw it on the internet and thought it would be cool (along with the thirty other things you saw on the internet, tried once and now feel obligated to do forever), or because everyone else is doing it. These are terrible reasons to do things. Stop doing them. “But what if people are disappointed?!” They’ll be okay. You’ve been disappointed plenty and here you are, still alive. Trust me, when letting things go creates a sweeter, more connected holiday for everyone, they’ll be relieved.
And if they don’t, know that if keeping the peace means abandoning yourself, it’s not true peace. Every time you let someone shame and manipulate you into doing what they want you are teaching them that it’s okay to abuse you and you’re teaching yourself that you deserve to be abused.
Practice: What conversations do you need to have? Have them. Do not put them off. You’re only going to get more anxious about them. What tasks do you need to delegate? Delegate them. What tasks, projects and events do you need to let go of? Let. Them. Go.
How did I not know about Souper cubes?!?! I am a Soup Queen. Beautiful reminder to do what matters to me in this season.
There is so much gold in this newsletter! Thank you for sharing your wisdom and heart with us.