Before I Forget // November

A story about sisterhood + adoption, five good books, soup season, and three restaurants you have to visit in Charleston, SC.

“A sister is not a friend. Who can explain the urge to take a relationship as primal and complex as a sibling and reduce it to something as replaceable, as banal as a friend? … You’re a part of each other, right from the start. Look at an umbilical cord—tough, sinuous, unlovely, yet essential—and compare it to a friendship bracelet of brightly woven thread. That is the difference between a sister and a friend.” - Coco Mellors, Blue Sisters

Photo by Les Anderson on Unsplash

My sister, Jess, burst into my life in a flurry of pink on a November day in 1996. It was like Christmas came early, my very own baby to keep. She was meant to be adopted by another family, but the private adoption went sideways when her birth mother left the hospital without signing all the paperwork.

My life changed with a phone call. “I’m with Children’s Services and we have a baby girl here.” Just like that, as another family grieved by an empty crib, we were rushing to put one together.

The trip was Jeff’s idea. “You should go visit your sister.” He said. I should. I thought. I absolutely should visit my sister. It’s just that fall has been full of weekend trips already and we’re two weeks away from Thanksgiving and then it’s basically Christmas which means 2024 is essentially over and if I blink and it’ll be spring break which means it’s almost summer. When could I possibly just jet off Charleston?

“I’m just not sure it’s a good time.” I said, which deterred Jeff not one bit because an hour later he texted me my flight options and two weeks later I was up at three AM, sipping Pelegríno in a middle seat of a 737 headed south. “Boarded!!” I texted my sister, long before she’d be awake.

Little sisters are wild, man. One minute I’m asking the DJ at the teen club—the one she swore she wasn’t going to—to please tell Jess to come to the front door. Your mom and sister are here to pick you up. And then I blink and I’m eavesdropping as she tells an employee not to be late again in a way that somehow communicates the seriousness of the situation without making it more of a thing than it needs to be.

Everyone is always worrying about Jess. She’s the second born, stubborn, moody, and hellbent on doing things her own way. She’s a rebel who hates being told what to do, and isn’t afraid to learn things the hard way. She’s hard to understand for parents who spent six years parenting just one rule-following, eager to please first born.

In typical eldest daughter fashion, I still see my twenty eight year old sister as a kid who needs my help and advice whether she wants it or not. I wanted to dust her apartment, to recommend books that would help her be a more effective leader at work, to tell her everything that sucks about her boyfriend¹. I want to shine things up and smooth them out for her, while she just wants to show me the life she’s made for herself like a child presenting an art project. Look. She didn’t say, but I heard it nonetheless. Look what I’ve made.

Her life doesn’t need fixed or tidied or dusted. Her life is good. Her life is hers. She has a grocery list and a laundry hamper. She has a fancy apartment and the same stuffed animals she’s slept with since she was a baby. She has three cats I love and a boyfriend I hate. She has friends and a favorite coffee shop and a neighborhood bar that makes the world’s best chicken wings.

Crazy to think I almost missed the chance to see it all up close. To see the pennies on her bathroom sink and think of the ones I keep on mine, too. To see, again, a whole life with its dust and its wrinkles and call it good.

Reading

Be Ready When The Luck Happens by Ina Garten - Devoured this in one weekend and loved it. It’s easy to look at the lady in the blouse with the popped collar and think her life has been one long dinner party, but what you’ll find behind the camera is a woman who has crafted a beautiful life out of work, creativity, and yes, a little luck. How great is that?

This is Happiness by Nial Williams - Still working my way through this one, but really loving the richness of it. Will report back again once I finish it.

Finding Freedom by Erin French - After seeing Erin on Ina’s show, Be My Guest, I immediately downloaded the audio version of her memoir and I’m loving the story of her grit, her commitment to her dream and to herself and her son. Talk about a woman building a life on her own terms.

Blue Sisters by Coco Mellors - We call it “bookish serendipity” when the right book finds you at the right time. I read Blue Sisters on the plane to visit my sister and wow. So good. I could not put it down.

The Wedding People by Alison Espach - All the things I came for: fascinating plot, some good laughs and some deep thoughts on the brevity of life, fun characters, a happy ending, and some I did not, like all the explorations of people’s sexual fantasies and desires.

Eating

My friend Jess brought me some Italian Penicillin late on a Thursday night when I came down with some kind of terrible mystery virus and now my freezer is stocked with cubes of this flavorful broth.²

Made Zuppa toscana for my book club and it’s one of my favorites. Hearty without being heavy, and it’s even better the next day.

I basically only ate seafood in Charleston and if you’re going there any time soon you must go to The Marina Variety Store for fried shrimp. Then order one of everything at 167 Raw and The Royal Tern. Also Sorelle for an afternoon coffee and cannoli.

Loving

“For anyone listening who has a big sister. You love her and also she probably drives you crazy. It’s like you need her so bad but also you’re like back.off. We’re fine.” Kendra Adachi’s origin story on Death Sex and Money was so good and so relatable for elder daughters everywhere.

These packing cubes have been so handy for all our travels this fall.

While this detergent does not make me hate doing laundry any less, it does smell amazing.

Amanda Jones makes bright and playful art that I can’t get enough of. I put this one on my Christmas list, but so many of them would make great gifts.

This cardigan from Soma paired with leggings and a t-shirt makes for a comfy and put together travel outfit.

I’m generally horrible at taking things one day at a time but this daily planner has been a really helpful tool for slowing down my brain.

Contemplating

“Slow down, they seemed to say, you can take a little twirl and still get exactly where you're going. Such a nice approach to life.”
― Ina Garten, Be Ready When the Luck Happens: A Memoir

“As long as you are alive, it is never too late to be found.”
― Coco Mellors, Blue Sisters

“Phoebe didn't think she'd end up being a woman like this. But if the last few years have taught her anything, it's that you really can't ever know who you are going to become.”
― Alison Espach, The Wedding People

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1. Okay that one I did. Will power is a finite resource and I ran out around day three. I am a recovering first born, not a recovered one, okay?

2. Recipe notes: Just use two quarts of broth, okay. Then you don’t have a half carton of broth slowly going bad in your fridge. Don’t skip the Parmesan rind and bay leaf and use extra garlic. I also added a slice of lemon to each cube before I froze and the brightness of the citrus was a nice contrast to the richness of the broth.